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qshoe1989

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Semi-emo rant [Mar. 3rd, 2008|03:53 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Norris Blue]
[mood | depressed]
[music |Why - Annie Lennox]

What am I doing? Seriously? Every school I go to I change my tune. I try to fix what I screwed up the last time around. And what did I learn from High School? That I need to take care of myself. That I can't invest all of my well being in others. That giving constantly is a recipe for disaster. And I'm falling back into it. It's so easy. SO easy! I mother people. But now the effects are getting ridiculous. I spent upwards of ten hours mothering 5 different people this weekend. What the hell? What am I thinking?! I've got 3 midterms this week! Am I psycho? Honestly, I need to back the hell off. I love the people I'm mothering, but I need to tone it down. I'm getting crazy and depressed. And to turn it around I need to interact with more people. I feel myself separating, and I don't like it.
What am I talking about? Jesus. I want to do something with my life for once. Really. I'm going insane, falling behind in school, and getting sadder and sadder. Why is it the more I give the hollower  I feel? This is getting ridiculous. Something has got to give and I don't know what. Time will tell I guess.
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Fever/Dream is over, and it's finals time [Dec. 3rd, 2007|10:34 pm]
[Tags|, ]

Whee! Craziness! I turned in my last paper, and the semester ends on Wednesday! Gahhhhhhh! Why does time pass so freaking quickly!!! It needs to stop doing that. I'm sad and happy simultaneously that I'm done teching for Fever/Dream, our recent show. It rocked, but it was tiring. Follow spotting is hell on the back. I can't wait to come home, and maybe I can convince some Maybeckians to give Oxy a peek... What a strange world...
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Mountains out of Molehills [Nov. 10th, 2007|02:00 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Library]
[music |Love Was Made For Two - Data 80]

     I hate it when someone resents me for being irresponsible when I've done nothing of the kind. Jesus. Let me back up: I'm in RHA the Residence Halls Association. student leadership, yes? Well, on tuesday we were given "care packages" that some of the parents gave to the students. And either the parents or Housing screwed up, because several of the boxes were mislabeled.  I took them over to the other freshman dorm because the Braun residents TOLD me the people were there.

     Well, now the RHA rep for Stewie (the other dorm) is pissed because some of the boxes I gave her didn't belong in Stewie. They did belong in Braun. But they were mislabeled. I've been insanely busy, and though we tried to coordinate me picking the boxes up from her, neither of us quite got it together. It wasn't a big deal. Seriously, the two people who got them a couple days late won't mind. Most people didn't get ANYTHING. And did the Stewie rep think once of bringing the boxes to Braun? No. i had to come to her. And when I did finally run down to get them, she was pissed. And she still is.

    When I apologized AGAIN today, she says that she's not mad. She just wants me to do what I say I'll do. WTF?! Maybe she's feeling really bitchy or something, but I'm the one who feels betrayed. She is being SO petty. And we have to work with each other for the rest of the year. And we got along great beforehand. It's not like I did something bad to her. And the fact that I didn't get the boxes sooner was as much her fault as it was mine. What the hell. 
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(no subject) [Nov. 4th, 2007|02:05 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | crazy]
[music |Rocket In The Sky - Benny Benassi]

Strange... I always knew that I kind of adapted to situations to match my surroundings. But this one is extra special. After hanging around my smashed friends for 30 minutes, I ended up feeling kind of buzzed myself. I wrote it off as post-dance weirdness, but I was giggling and weird by the time I got back to my room. Funky... On a lighter note, my REALLY wasted friends were all quite *upset* that I wasn't drinking with them. Imagine the boatload of cash I'm saving by not drinking every Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Wednesday? Hell, if I stay sober forever, I'll be a freaking millionaire! 
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Grrrrrr!! [Oct. 21st, 2007|05:14 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |In My Room]
[mood |Furious and Crying]
[music |Ghost in My Machine - Annie Lennox]


This song helps me cry out my stuff sometimes. God damn it. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Why must people be so petty and immature?!! I'm so sick of this!!! Grow the hell up people! I'm going to get a nice boyfriend my own goddamn age who fucking acts it too, and just ditch the fools who act like their five-year-olds. I don't want anymore of this crap. Why can't I escape this ridiculous high school drama in college!!! Why are 18 year old guys acting like 14 year olds. Jesus! I'm sick of being betrayed. I refuse to go in for round two. I'm sick of being lied to. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I refuse to put up with any more of this emotional abuse crap. I refuse to be picked apart for trying to do the right thing. Why are people so shallow? I'll suffer this shit no more. I miss being home. I miss things being simple and static. I miss being hopelessly single (knock on wood). It made everything so much less ridiculous. Jesus...

I don't care if you wont
Talk to me
You know I'm not that kind of girl.
And I don't care if you wont
Walk with me
It don't give me such a thrill.
And I don't care about the way you look
You should know I'm not impressed
cause theres just one thing
That I'm looking for
And he don't wear a dress.

I need a man...
I need a man...

Baby baby baby
Don't you shave your legs
Don't you double comb your hair
Don''t powder puff
Just leave it rough
I like your fingers bare.
When the night comes down
I can turn it round
I can take you anywhere.
I don't need love
Forget that stuff
You know that I don't care

I need a man...
I need a man...

I don't need a heartbreaker
Fifty-faced trouble maker
Two timing time taker
Dirty little money maker
Muscle bound cheap skate
Low down woman hater
Triple crossing double dater
Yella bellied alligator...

I dont care if you wont
Talk to me
You know I'm not that kind of girl.
And I don't care if you wont
Walk with me
It don't give me such a thrill.
And I don't care about the way you look
You should know I'm not impressed
cause theres just one thing
That I'm looking for
And he don't wear a dress.

I Need A Man - Eurythmics
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Drunks, Theater and Heterosexuals [Sep. 1st, 2007|01:57 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |In a boiler - oh wait it's my room]
[mood | indescribable]
[music |Flashlight - Parliament]

Third day of school. Good classes. I'm loving my core class, "illness and disability in theater" and Japanese 101. Spanish 202 I'm on the fence about. I'm also taking How Tyrannies Work (Politics) and Intro to Performance. Oh and karate. Me, karate. And I love it. Also today, I tried out for "Life is a Dream", the only play with male roles this semester. I just checked the list with my partially drunk friend and once Orientation leader Sarah, who auditioned for the all-female "Fefu and her Friends". Neither of us got callbacks. We were sad, but glad to do it together. All is not lost though, I'll try for an ensemble role tomorrow.

Also, we had a 10-2 dance. The DJ was awesome and did the funkiest version of "Another One Bites the Dust" ever. Or at least he was awesome until the sound system failed. Anyways, everyone at the dance was completely shitfaced. What else could you POSSIBLY do on a friday night? Idiots. Anyways, dancing with drunks while sober, not so fun. Especially when drunk girl removes your-glow necklace, clings to you, and then tries to make out with you. And I didn't know who the fuck she was or vice versa! What the hell. Even if I were straight I wouldn't do that! I just pushed her away and started to be firm, but she took attitude with me instead. Drunkenly. And drunk people of the world: you're not actually funny (to non-drunks I suppose). Shocker.

Also in the dances I'm getting sick of all the heterosexual tension. Seriously. Most are so fucking insecure and wasted that they just HAVE to grind with an opposite-sex partner. Dancing for fun? Only solo. Or the occasional passer-by before he sees a girl/guy. And I can't even just dance with girls for fun without them assuming that I'm trying to come on to them. Maybe the gays, casual dancers, and sober people have already learned to avoid these fake-ass "dances". I can hope.

Oh, and why the fuck would anyone get alcohol poisoning at the Back to School Dance. Idiot award won.

-Isaac
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Personal update to end all updates, or, more accurately, my laziness [Apr. 30th, 2007|07:51 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |Terra Firma]
[mood | stressed]
[music |Passion (open the window mix) - Utada Hikaru]

I went to Peru. That can't be summed up quickly. But the pictures I'll soon have on Facebook should do the best job. But in short, it was fantastic and being surrounded by lush rain  forest is one of the best feelings ever. In other news, I've decided to attend Oxy (Occidental College). It came down to that or UCSC, and I need to go somewhere smaller, with more difference from my current reality, with a solid social community, and a tiny drug scene. I hope I've made the right choice, but if not I can always transfer. Wish me the best (please)! And I'll miss all of my Bay Area friends so much. I feel so much guilt, but I know I have to do what's right for me. But for Ana, Alex and Raphael... I'll REALLY miss you guys. Constantly. I'll have to call all the time. I'd go crazy otherwise.
Everything's going to change. That's intense. Nothing will be like before. Good and bad, no. And there's still so much I've to do before graduating, (three papers, endless homework, two AP tests, three finals, and several senior-related projects). Aaaah! Oh well. It's the lest hurrah. So I'd best enjoy it while I can.

Con mucho amor,
Isaac
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Birthday come early? [Mar. 10th, 2007|11:17 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Between the walls]
[mood |Between Ennui and Malaise]
[music |Keep Tryin' (KUMIX edit) - Utada Hikaru]

Well. I'm almost eighteen. And I could care less. Yay. I'm also going to Peru in a week. THAT I'm psyched about! Wow... Everyone seems to be a bit depressed lately. Dunno why. Also, Cartoon felt kind disappointing. It was like a de facto birthday party, and I was hoping for something of Money and Run quality. Too bad. Also, I'm thinking of venturing over to the pacific center, maybe after I get home from Peru. I don't know anybody my age who's gay. And that's pathetic. I live in Maybeck, and my extra-scholastic friends are all straight. Time to burst the bubble.
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Haha. [Mar. 8th, 2007|06:37 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Crossing Over]
[mood | disappointed]
[music |Exodus '04 - Utada Hikaru]

Scratch that. THAT'S why it didn't affect me. I said when I heard, "it won't last two days". Guess what? I was right! Or maybe nothing has changed but their official status. Disgusting.

Also I got a new delightfully cheap cd from Amazon. It's a maxi-single, and not as good as I'd hoped, but it was still worth the five bucks. Tomorrow's Cartoon! Yay!
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Mi Día [Mar. 7th, 2007|10:21 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |Infintesimal Speck of Reality]
[mood |Ambivalent]
[music |Living On My Own - Utada Hikaru]

I heard the interesting news today that Cladam is no more. Funny. I thought I'd care. Strangely I didn't I was utterly ambivalent. Even the ridiculous amounts of resentment that I've bottled for so long are gone. Have I had a priority shift? Am I just tired? Or maybe I'll care in a couple days. What the hell. I don't get me anymore. I've been so bitter, for so long. And now I feel nothing. Not sadness. Not disgust. Not smug satisfaction. Just nothing. Like it's not even worth thinking about. Even my normal nosiness is lower. What. The. Hell.

In other news, my brother is being an annoying SOB. He gets so much joy out of pissing me off. His ridiculously aloof personality combined with how much joy he takes in pissing me off is an obscene combo. And he's so lazy, and so disgusting. We clash so much. Living on my own is sounding better and better.

On an unrelated note, isn't it weird discovering your friends' sexualities by pure coincidence? When they don't even tell you, and you're not even attracted to them? It feels like it's something I shouldn't find out from others besides them. But who am I to talk?

Closing Questions:

Why is so much pop complete crap?
Why do we, the people, listen to it?
Why are there no popular Asian artists (musical, visual, etc.) in America?
Why is everyone so god damn stubborn?
Why is self-pity so easy to slip into?
Why can't I ever look good in a photo?

These are some of life's important questions. Or not. but I'm thinking about 'em. Oh yeah...
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One Acts Over... Now Peru! [Mar. 5th, 2007|08:46 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |At PC]
[mood |Decidedly mixed]
[music |Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru]

Wow. I'm done with Maybeck theater. The One Acts were absolutely awesome, and Claire was the best actor to work with. I had so much fun! I love you Claire! Afterwards, I stood on that stage and just remembered. I cried for the first time in months. And I couldn't stop. Fortunately, Dean was a sweetheart and comforted me. After snapping out of it, I went back outside and went to the cast party. I felt mildly awkward, but I've been getting much more outgoing lately. So I just overcame said awkwardness, and ignored the people that were hard to be around. They cleared out anyways. I'm glad that I'm interacting better with people now. I don't feel so useless anymore.

In other news, my birthday and the Peru trip are coming up one after another. I'm excited about both, but especially Peru. To celebrate my birthday (3/15) however, I'm going to see Cartoon at the Impact with my friends, both in and out of school and have get-togethers/sleepovers with them as well. Awesome. And my friend Sam is coming back from NYU. And he hates it there. Go figure. And Peru will be fantastic. Guaranteed.

Finally, I've been turning my music up lately. It feels like I'm drowning something out. I wonder what?
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Regret [Feb. 22nd, 2007|11:28 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Home alone]
[mood |Disgusted with myself]
[music |Kettobase - Utada Hikaru]

What is regret? Is it wishing you'd done something differently? Wishing the results of relationships weren't what they were? Wishing you were just a different person, now or then? Wishing fate weren't so arbitrary? The first stage of sadness before full-blown resentment? I don't know. I guess it can be all of those things. I regret being such a flake. I regret being such a square. I regret being such an introvert. I regret being to shy to stick up for myself and make my life work. I regret not getting angry when I should have. I regret not letting go. I regret not holding on.

Look at that. It's just one long chain of stupid regrets and ridiculous inadequacies. I'm not the glowing square people at school think I am. I'm not the responsible adult my parents think I am. I am not the good student everyone thinks I am. I'm not even a real friend. I'm just one big monstrous lie. But then again I'm not a miscreant. I'm not a little kid. I'm not a slacker. I'm not a betrayer. I;m not those either. I'm just nothing. One big fat pile of nothing.

But does that stop me? No. Not good little studious Isaac. Not the rebellious bitchy Isaac. Neither has a say anyways. I'll get up, go to school tomorrow morning. Live the lie for another die. Swallow my non-existent self. And flicker. Border on being real and nothing. But I don't touch anybody. Be noticed by all but affect none. Have shallow sympathy for others and get that same token in return. Leave no mark. Make no change. And don't even change myself. Live out my worthless and laughable self-wrought curse. Cursed not to be either real or unreal. Cursed to be in limbo. Cursed by myself. And I know best of all that I deserve no pity. I give myself enough.
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I live. Sorta. [Feb. 20th, 2007|11:43 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Emoville]
[mood |Hollow]
[music |Distance (PlanitB remix) - Utada Hikaru]

There's a reason I haven't updated this thing in forever. Or maybe there isn't. Maybe it's pure apathy. That's actually more likely. For anybody whom I just know through here, sorry. Though I doubt you care at this point. For any real-life friends who happen upon this entry, I love you. Even those who don't encounter it. You too. And right now, I even feel like forgiving those who've really messed with me. I don't know. I'm just doing a stream of consciousness really.

I've got a lot going on in my life though. I've got a big role in the Maybeck One Acts (which you have to see), and that's been eating away at my life. I've been working hard in my classes, though my last semester (4.66 GPA!) REALLY burned me out. My ability to be productive  now is kind of pathetic. Whatever. I'm also going to Peru and by extension Macchu Picchu in March, right after my eighteenth birthday. I can't wait.

On a more whimsical (and whiny) note, I've been feeling really down for a long time now. I don't know why. I've got friends. I've got family. I've got a good life. What the hell!? I don't know what's bugging me. Upcoming huge changes in my life (what everyone else says)? General resentment and jealousy of those around me? Self hate for being such a freaking square? Wishing I had a personality beyond relating to other people? Wishing I were generally less weird and nerdy? Wishing I could just feel emotions like sadness and elation again? Unrequited love-sickness? Wishing I could just break down the emotional barriers between me and those I care about? Wishing I could just edit my being to my own liking? Wishing that I weren't so awkward around people? Wishing that I could just stop stalling and actually get a life? I don't even know. Could be any. Could be all. Could be me wallowing in self pity. Joy.

At any rate, I'm going to shower and sleep, homework be damned.
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Glasses Off - By Yours Truly [Mar. 12th, 2006|12:08 am]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood |Sewn apart]
[music |Could You Be Loved - Bob Marley & The Wailers]

Thanks to [info]raigekjin and [info]tobira_no_mukou for the new icons! Yay, my Birthday's on Wednesday! Seventeen though.... Scary. I wanna' stay sixteen! Everyone says I'm mature, but I like being young! Drat. Anyways, more angsty poetry:

( Glasses Off )
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Poem For You - Edited 1/31! [Jan. 30th, 2006|11:15 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[mood |Too many pages ripped away]
[music |Chances (Live at the F&S) - Rebecca Riots]

I Can't Get You Out of My Head

Staying up late last night,
Just like every night,
Just like every day,
-hard to stop thinking about you,

Eating another pasta dinner,
I only add pesto and parmesan,
For the first time I pause,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Lying in my bed,
I read another comic book by Hergé,
I hear the clock tick,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Remembering the nights in Guatemala,
I woke up so early in Santiago,
Only our silhouettes marking the daybreak,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Searching for an evening snack,
I settle my eyes on the cheddar cheese,
The label says “sharp”, never mild,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Editing another essay,
I open another wound with the knife,
Blood soaks the paper straight through,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Talking on the phone to nobody,
I complete another circuit
A long dance without a partner,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Strolling to the theater,
I hear you bring up the cheese again,
But you ask what I like, that's why I remember,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Walking the streets of Berkeley,
I fall further and further behind,
The second hand unwinds,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Comforting a friend,
I feel more distant every day,
Every time I reach, my hand is stayed,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Relaxing on vacation,
I see the whales spout, the waves crash and otters play below,
But the most romantic spot is not,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Sitting in Spanish class,
I alone get the joke,
But there are always two laughing
-hard to stop thinking about you

Standing alone in the hallway,
I am surrounded by friends,
A laugh pierces my reverie,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Lying in the bath for hours,
I always hope that you will call,
Every ring is another pang,
-hard to stop thinking about you

Writing this poem,
I know it could have been you,
I look up so the tears don't fall,
-hard to stop thinking about you

It's hard to stop thinking about you
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I'm back [Jan. 27th, 2006|09:50 am]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[mood |Wishing you were here with me]
[music |Sukiyaki - Tuck & Patti]

So, I just got back from Carmel Valley where I was on vacation. I just went with my dad, and the only things we did were what we both wanted. It was awesome! But the downside is that some of the most romantic places on earth aren't quite the same with your father ^^. Oh well. I'm hoping to see you this weekend Alex, maybe even today. And I can't wait to see you on monday Clara! And the schedule for my new semester is perfect. Yes!!!! By the way here's a question: what song(s) can make you cry every time? Mine are Sukiyaki by Tuck & Patti and Chances by Rebecca Riots.
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Vacation, update on life [Jan. 23rd, 2006|10:59 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood |feminist, nerdy and emotional]
[music |Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves - Eurythmics/ Arethra F.]

Ahhhhhhhh... Finals are over! And I, unlike Stealthei actually have a whole week's worth of break. Tomorrow through thursday I'll be in Carmel Valley, taking a much needed change of pace with my dad. I'm really looking forward to it. Food, hiking and swimming. Yay! So far though, I've seen three friends in two days. Woooooo. And had two sleepovers. The one on saturday was all the way over in Marin (I live in Oakland), with Aria Dragonfly. It was so good to see her ::hugs::. I also have been loading up on the shounen-ai/yaoi (read: boyxboy) animes from Aarinfantasy. Can you say sweetness and eye-candy all in one? And I bought all 12 Gravitation graphic novels! Thos are classic! That covers my nerdiness. My music covers the feminism. Now for the emotional stuff. Hey Clarypoo - I could never resent you, no matter what. You're an incredibly special person and the thought of losing that is buth humbling and terrifying. Thank you so much for your sweetness though- it means the world to me. The very fact that you care and go so far out of your way to check in is really touching. I'll see you soon- maybe a less quiet lunch? Take care you all! Be back thursday!
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Finals are over! Woot! [Jan. 21st, 2006|12:44 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , ]
[mood |In the riptide of a calm sea]
[music |Still Tossin' and Turnin' - Tuck & Patti]

Wow, finals are finally over... And what a way to end! I had the Spanish final from hell! My teacher included tons of words that none of us had ever seen before! With any luck, he won't count some of them. Oh well. I have a week-long break! Yay! And tomorrow I'm going over to Aria's apartment in marin for dinner and a sleepover! Kick ass and a bag of walnuts. In other news, I will kill for the role I want in my school's One Acts. And no, I do not a have rabies. My only worries now are my own relationship issues which are mostly me not having them. Ever. I want to live more while staying myself. The quest continues!
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Life: a brief window [Jan. 18th, 2006|10:31 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood |Tossin' and Turnin']
[music |Sukiyaki - Tuck & Patti]

So... To ignore the title of this entry, let me just fill you in on the mundane stuff. Today I took my pre-calculus and Theater Production finals. Both were easy, ESPECIALLY the latter (not really a final). We read Theives' Carnival which was actually a pretty funny early 1900s french play. I babble. But tomorrow I have my Chem final. A written test and 2 labs in 3 hours! Gah! Death on wheels! Anyways, In my other life, I'm quickly accruing wonderful (as in wonderfully slashy) manga. Yay! And my shipment of volumes 1-10 of DN Angel arrived. Double yay! That art makes me drool... Gah. In other news I feel lame for being in other peoples' business without even interacting with them. How wonderfully crappy of me.
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English Final, Life [Jan. 13th, 2006|07:42 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[mood |Torn in two by my other half]
[music |The Turn Of A Friendly Card- Alan Parsons Project]

Wow. What a day. I got to school at 8:00 and hung out with a friend in the computer lab and prepped for the final. The actual final was slated for 2 1/2 hours but it really took all 3. Afterwards it felt like my arm was going to fall off! Jeez! 15 quote IDs, 3 mini-essays and a real essay. What a brain-fry. But I was relaxed, if dazed, after the final, and I had a nice if quiet lunch with aforementioned friend. I'm really going to miss Greek Classics though. I've always loved the myths, but that class with Thaddeus (best english teacher ever) was perhaps the best class I've ever had. I can't imagine anything ever living up to that. Hopefully poetry with him next semester will rock this hard. I'm worried though- so many of my classes for next semester are offered during only one period of the day (Pre-calculus/trig, Poetry, Spanish IV and an unknown history class). The history class doesn't really count though- two are offered and I'd be fine taking either. Constitutional law would be awesome though- the subject is so exciting!
My finals and academics are hardly the big thing in my life right now though. I hate having to deal with this emotional drama stuff right now. I love immensely all those involved but I worry about them. In addition, my own investment with those involved is pretty complicated. i don't know if anything I say or do is motivated by concern or me being a self-serving bitch. I genuinely care really deeply for those involved but it's so complicated... When it comes down to it though, I really just want them to be happy and safe. I refuse to let my selfish misery drag down what is rightfully theirs and theirs alone. Even I see that. Even the better part of me wants it to be so. I refuse to live vicariously through one of the most important people in the world to me and to abuse her friendship by twisting her other relationships for my own betterment. I haven't yet, but if this keeps up, I'll only be worse. I hate this. It's no my fault that I've been attracted to one person for my entire high school experience. I never even expected them to give me the time of day. But now... Our closeness tears me up every time things get personal. I'm totally honest with the person, but I refuse to dump my pain on them. I can't believe how selfish I am. All I want to know is how I can move on without hurting anybody. Maybe it's because I've never been involved with anyone romantically ever, but something tells me that I won't move on by any other means than time itself. Every time I'm down I count my blessings, but some things cut so deep. And if I'm not careful, two of my best blessings will fade away, due to my own awkwardness and shame. They both deserve better. I hope this all works out ok. I hope I can get over what will and was NEVER meant to be now. Nobody deserves my shit.
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